Just for Parents…
Hello parents and welcome to the new school year! Having your child begin his or her college career can be a stressful experience, especially if your son or daughter hasn’t been away from home before. During this important family transition time, many parents put their own feelings and reactions on hold while helping their child prepare for college life. Attending to your own emotional needs, however, as well as your child’s, will go a long way toward helping everyone feel comfortable with the challenges that going to college may present.
As you drive away from the campus or leave the airport, you may feel anything from relief to sadness to a kind of frozen numbness. You may also find yourself swinging from one emotional state to another.
- One mother recalled: “I cried a lot—I’m crying now talking about it. I cried most of the way home. But my husband was upbeat and excited for her. In fact, I think our emotions weren’t so different; I don’t feel only sadness, it’s a combination of sadness and joy. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, both missing her and feeling very happy for her.”
A father recalled: “It was the longest ride home—I had an empty, very lonely feeling, knowing I wouldn’t see my daughter for a couple of months. It hit me harder than I expected.”
Another parent remembers: “Going home, I felt relieved and reassured—very different from other parents I’ve talked to. I had been so worried about things, like how the roommate situation would work out, but it all seemed fine. So, I wasn’t sad on the way home; I just felt ‘oh, this will be good for my kid.’ I hadn’t expected to feel relieved; I’d expected to be very upset. It was only later, after I got home and got back into my life and realized that he wasn’t here, that I really missed him.”
It’s
important to remember that these reactions are normal!
When your child leaves for college, you may be surprised or even upset at the intensity of your feelings.
After all, you’ve been preparing for your child’s departure for months, why can’t you take it in stride?
Some Ways to Cope:
Recognize that feelings of ambivalence about your child leaving home are normal. It’s common to feel sad that your child is “leaving the nest," but also try to look forward to having more quiet time, etc.
Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Talk about your emotions with your family, friends, clergy, or whoever is a source of support for you.
Make “overall wellness” a goal for yourself. Especially during stressful times, it helps to get enough sleep, eat healthy meals, and get adequate exercise. Spend some time engaged in your favorite hobbies. If you are feeling good, you are more likely to have the energy to help your child and be a good role model.
Remember, for your child, going to college is a tremendously important developmental step toward adulthood. This is the time when your hard work will show itself in the form of a framework that your child will use in making independent choices.
Find a new creative outlet for yourself. Especially parents whose last or only child has moved away to college find that taking on a new challenge is an excellent way to manage and channel their energy and feelings. Have you ever wanted to make a quilt? Volunteer? Make a list of all the things you intended to do while your child was growing up but never had the time to do. Now is your chance!
Keep in touch—through e-mails, letters, phone calls, and visits. Let them go, but keep up good communication. Know what’s happening in your child’s life.
Arm yourself with information. Attend pre-orientation programs in the summer and learn where your son/daughter will reside on campus . Know what courses your child is taking and who their advisors are. Ask questions about their roommate, their Resident Assistant (RA), their professors, etc., and know what resources are available for your child in case he or she has any difficulties.
Frequently Asked Questions
How am I going to let my child be more independent?
Here is some advice from parents:
“Let your child do what he/she wants within certain limits. If kids really feel the decisions are in their hands, it’s better.”
“You always have to be willing to listen, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. No matter what time of night or day, show him/her that you can stop what you’re doing and listen to him/her, and offer suggestions if they are wanted. I think if parents say, ‘Our responsibility is over now that you’re in college,’ the child misses that family support.”
What can I do to help my child from a distance?
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Be a good listener and tell him or her that you are there for them.
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Show interest in their studies and personal growth.
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Have an open mind. Your child is learning how to be independent.
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Encourage your child
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Don’t set unrealistic expectations. Remember, your dream for them may not be their dream. Don’t push your child. The child who received all A’s in high school may do poorly in college because as a first year student, many are learning how to study for the first time.
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Stay in touch. Agree to weekly times for calls home.
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Make the most of visits home. Do things together.
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Send care packages. You may not get a thank-you every time but the mail is appreciated.
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Keep the lines of communication open. Don’t be afraid to discuss your feelings with them.
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Encourage them to get involved, make new friends, and develop new interests.
Letting go is over-and under-rated. The emotional recipe for launching teenagers is to gradually let go of your responsibility for your child's decisions and behavior, while holding on to accountability and promoting warm, age-appropriate connections. Negotiate for a few firmly-held rules, and one family connection per week.
How do I know if my child is experiencing adjustment issues or a real problem? When should I get involved?
Adjusting to college will affect students in different ways. Typically, students adjust to the stress of college life within the first few months of leaving. There are times, however, when students continue to have trouble coping. For example, you may notice that the number of tearful calls home outnumber the others or that your child’s appearance has changed dramatically (clean cut-- disheveled).
Some other behaviors to watch for: change from consistently good grades to unaccountably poor performance, absence from class, changes in behavior (stops calling home, mood swings, starts drinking or using drugs) depressed mood, low energy, suicidal thoughts. If these behaviors are present, it is critical that you get involved! You can help by encouraging your child to share his or her feelings with you and encouraging your child to stay active with friends, school, and hobbies. You can also encourage your child to seek counseling.
How will it be when my child comes home for break?
Don’t be too surprised if your college student resents any changes at home. Many college students want home to be just the way they remember it, and often they’re not pleased to hear that a younger sibling is taking over their old bedroom. It may be better to downplay the positive changes in the family, at least at first, so that your child doesn’t feel that the family is glad to have him/her gone.
Sometimes when your child comes home, it hits you that your child has another life somewhere else and that his/her old life doesn’t fit him/her in the same way it used to. You may feel hurt, rejected, and redundant—your child doesn’t need you anymore.
As one parent put it, “When my son was home for a three-day weekend, I kept trying to make food he would love. I said, ‘I’ll cook this, I’ll cook that,’ and finally he said, ‘What are you doing? Leave me alone.’ But I felt I just had to make everything perfect so he’d have a good time at home—it was tense."
How can the counseling center help?
We are available for consultation to parents by phone,
by appointment, or by
e-mail. We invite parents to call or visit our Web site to learn how their son or daughter can obtain counseling. We are
available for questions about how parents may assist their sons and
daughters who may be struggling with a specific problem or if they are in
need of specific services. Moreover, we can assist parents secure referrals
to services outside of the college.
My son has been acting differently lately. He’s been quieter, is sleeping all the time, and never calls home. I recently learned he failed two classes. He told me he just started seeing a counselor. Can I call the counseling office and find out what’s going on? I want to be helpful.
We are not able to talk with parents in any way about their child’s participation in therapy without the student’s written consent. Confidentiality is a very important part of the therapeutic relationship we establish with students. We encourage parents who want information about their child’s progress to talk with their child.
What does the Personal Counseling Office do?
The Personal Counseling Office at Behrend offers brief, one on one psychotherapy to students. We are also responsible for crisis intervention, referrals, and various outreach programs. All of our services are free and confidential.
But my child doesn’t have a serious problem; he just needs some guidance. Can he still come in to see a counselor?
Yes! The personal counselors at Behrend see a wide range of problems such as stress, depression, anxiety, and relationship issues. We encourage students with any concern to stop in and see us.
Who is on your staff?
We have a full-time licensed psychologist and two full-time therapists. We also have a consulting psychiatrist on staff.
Where can I learn more?
Barkin, C., (1998). When Your Kid Goes to College. New York: Avon Books
Coburn, K.L. & Treeger, M.L., (2003). Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the College Years, 4th ed. New York: Quill.
http://www.pennstatebehrend.psu.edu/student/counseling
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/features/ens.html
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/conditions/emptynest.html
Each family experiences this period of change, turmoil, and readjustment in a unique way. And for nearly everyone there are times of unhappiness, questioning, and deep concern. But for most parents, any lingering fears and disappointments are soon outweighed by the positive feelings of excitement and pride as they watch their kids begin to establish themselves as independent, responsible human beings.